The Journal of Dean Winchester
by grotesquegoddess
Summary: Dean doesn't like to express himself outside of spurts of violence, sex, and alcoholism. He doesn't like to talk about how he feels. One day, though, he decides to start writing some things down, listing particular things about random happenings. Eventually, the topic turns to a certain angel in a trenchcoat.


Dean stood, releasing a loud, exasperated sigh, before glaring around his room. He was awake at ass o'clock in the morning for no good fucking reason, and he knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without doing something. What caught his eye was a small leatherbound journal he had bought a few years back, but never wrote in. It was similar to his father's in looks, but the purpose would probably end up being completely different than he thought originally upon purchasing it. The hunter walked over to his desk, flipping the journal open to the first page, and picking up a pen. He began to write.

* * *

April 5 2013

So, today is the day I start writing in this thing.  
I don't know why, I just guess it seems like a good idea, the right time, something dumb like that.  
Today was a lot of things.  
annoying  
tiring  
boring  
long  
quiet

* * *

Dean sighed, and closed his journal. He slightly doubted he would continue to write in it, but who knew? Maybe he would.

* * *

April 7 2013

I found another bloody rag in the trash. I don't think Sam is even trying to hide it anymore. I heard him hackin something up in the bathroom this morning.  
angry  
upset  
pissed  
worried

April 8 2013

No word from Cas, I don't trust this Naomi chick. It's been a few days since I saw her, but she just oozes sketchy.  
I hope Cas is okay.  
worried

April 9 2013

Something is really wrong with Cas. I've been praying, a lot. More than usual. Telling him little things that go on in the day. There's a hunt three towns over, ghost or something. Not sure yet.  
quiet  
concerned  
I miss him

April 10 2013

Cas was in my dream last night, but he wasn't actually there. I had a regular, run of the mill dream about Cas. At least it wasn't very intimate, just us in Baby, driving down a highway, talking about a hunt that never happened. But it felt different.  
surprised  
content

April 13 2013

I just realized something probably really fucking important, and fuck me if anyone ever finds this fucking thing.  
I love him.  
I love Cas.

* * *

Dean slightly shook as he penned this down on the page, but felt relieved as he sat back, sucking in a deep breath. It felt good to get that off his chest, even if it was just on a page.

* * *

April 14 2013

My favorite things about Castiel, Angel of the Lord (An Incomplete List):  
His eyes are so blue. Really fucking blue.  
His sense of humor is very sarcastic, when it's there at all.  
He's blunt as all hell.

April 15 2013

Sam is getting worried about me. He saw me writing in here and made some dick comment about me having a diary. This isn't a fucking diary.  
angry  
pissed  
My favorite things about Cas (continued):  
He always tries so hard to redeem himself.  
His loyalty.  
His hair.

April 16 2013

It's been a while since I last saw Cas. The hunt turned out to be a restless spirit. Standard salt n burn.

My favorite things about Cas (cont):  
His name. Castiel, Castiel, Castiel.  
His trenchcoat.

April 17 2013

Sam found out. He's treating it like some 8th grade drama. I don't like Cas. Different four letter word.

My favorite things about Cas:  
He always comes back eventually.  
He saved me, more than once.

April 18 2013

Sam gave me the 'it's ok if you're gay' speech today. Almost punched him in the fucking face. I'm not gay, boobs are awesome. Cas is just different.

My favorite things about Cas:  
His jawbone, his stubble.  
His voice.

April 19 2013

Sam's still being annoying, but to be fair, it's only been two days.

I'm still worried about Cas, I told him about my journal last night while I was praying. I might show him, if he wants.

My favorite things about Cas:  
His tie is always backwards.  
His expressions.  
His smile.

April 21 2013

Cas dream walked in my dream last night. I didn't tell him about the dream of him, but I think he knows. Cas told me he thinks we can meet back up with him soon, he hid the tablet, and if Naomi showed up, don't trust her. I don't.  
I kinda stopped listing emotions, the Cas thingy takes up more of my mindspace.  
lonely  
worried  
hopeful

My favorite things about Cas:  
He trusts me, even if he doesn't want to, even if he thinks he's right.

April 22 2013

I think Cas loves me, too. Sam reminded me earlier, of the time when he saw that Prometheus and Artemis had a thing. He told me he saw, sees, that thing in me and Cas. I hope we see him soon, so I can ask.  
hopeful  
love

My favorite things about Cas:  
He always tries his best to help.  
He hasn't given up on us yet.

April 23 2013

I think I'm gonna leave off adding the favorite things about Cas to the end of every entry. I covered most of the stuff I can get without him here, so that's useless. I think I'll list something else. Maybe not, though. Anyway, we saw Charlie today. She's good, got a haircut. It looks nice on her. Walking in her dream was trippy, I kinda wish Cas was there to help.  
bored  
waiting

April 25 2013

I was thinking a lot early this morning, about everything Cas has done for me. He gave up his home, his (dickish) brothers and sisters, at one point, his Grace, his life, pretty much everything, in exchange for one measly little mud monkey. I've really been a dickhat to him, ever since the whole Sam-back-from-the-dead thing. He really tried his best in impossible circumstances, even if he did go off the deep end. But he resisted the pull of the souls inside him in the end and tried to fix it. He released the Leviathan, but we haven't seen hide or hair of those losers in a long time, so I think they either went back to Purgatory or are gone. It's a mystery to me.  
grateful  
horrible

April 26 2013

Cas called us. On a payphone. I wonder where he got the pocket change.  
We're supposed to meet him at some abandonned field off of the main highway.  
excited  
worried

April 27 2013

Cas decided to stay with us in the batcave for a while, after Sammy and I bothered him about it for a few hours. He really didn't want to, something about not wanting to be a burden. I hope he doesn't really feel like that.  
I think I'm going to talk to him about It.  
anxious

* * *

Grimacing, Dean stood and stretched. Cornering Castiel to talk wouldn't be that hard, but making him stay to hear Dean out would be a whole different enchilada. The best chance he had was just give Castiel the journal and hope he didn't zap out. This was going to be interesting.

The hunter began to walk out of the room to search for the angel, journal tucked under his arm, and didn't need to look that far before he found him in the library. Sam was out getting supplies, Dean had made sure he would talk to Castiel when they were alone, and probably would not return for some time, an hour or so. Dean noted with suprise that Castiel was not actually reading, but listing runes on a piece of paper, enochian, probably. Dean cleared his throat.  
"Oh, hello, Dean." Castiel was a bit quieter than usual, probably because of how empty the bunker was.  
"Hey, Cas, can I talk to you?" the hunter queried, clasping and unclasping his hands in front of him. The angel set down his pen, shifting to face Dean.  
"Of course, is something wrong?" Castiel replied, concern laced in his words. Dean chickened out, and shoved the journal at Castiel.  
"Read the whole thing." he prompted, as the angel eyed the book in his hands. Glancing at the elder Winchester, Castiel opened the journal. It took about a minute for him to reach the important entry, and Dean realized a little too late that the one about how he though Castiel might love him back was in there. The angel's breath hitched in his throat, as he continued to read.  
"Dean..." Castiel murmured, closing the journal and setting it on the table next to his little paper scribbled with runes. Dean avoided Castiel's eyes, until the angel commanded, "Dean, look at me."  
Dean obeyed, lifting his eyes to the angel's, and noticed Castiel had gotten closer.  
"I do love you, Dean." the angel announced intensley, "I..."  
"Cas," the hunter began, "I love you."  
"I know," Castiel responded, and kissed Dean square on the lips.


End file.
